[Shrek] It's Just Snow, Folks

Fiona and I went to Price-Rite Friday, not because of the pending snowfall, but because we needed a few things for our traditional St Patrick's Day dinner of corned beef and cabbage. That's a tough meal to make without potatoes and cabbage, so off to the market we went. As you may have guessed, going to the market just hours before a predicted snowstorm was a tactical error.

Can someone explain to me why when the weather forecast calls for snow folks turn into a bunch of raving lunatics? Why is the need for milk, bread, and water so much greater before a snowstorm than after? And why is it you waited until the snow started to fall to realize you didn't own a shovel--or better yet--that you needed a snow blower?

So there we were in the market, and folks have their carts piled high like they're trying to prevent themselves from turning into the second coming of the Donner Party. While I was shaking my head in amazement I overheard two young men who worked there talking about how each had restocked the milk and eggs twice in the three hours the store had been open. Judging by the lack of bread in the store apparently french toast is a staple food for waiting out a storm.

Next storm I'm going to corner the cinnamon market. That will show 'em.

Also empty at the store was the rack that usually held water in gallon jugs. This came as a shock to me as I figured water would be the least of problems when it was snowing. Also in low supply was diet soda and the Doritos' rack was nearly empty. I'll let you make your own joke for that.

Fiona and I went through the store with our cart basically empty. We bought the few things that we needed, a few we didn't, and left. It was then we realized that the fun was just beginning. While we were in the store the snow had begun to fall. It was incredible, with the skies just opening up with many inches of snow falling in mere seconds causing white out conditions so bad folks could hardly keep their cars on the road. Or maybe it was just light flurries hardly sticking to the ground. It was hard to tell with the way people were driving.

But the topic of bad driving is one for another day. Maybe next time...

[Shrek] Put Down the Damn Phone...

There are very few things that annoy me more than people on cell phones.

Now I don't have a problem with folks talking on them while they're walking from place to place outdoors, or huddled by doors outside buildings while sneaking a quick smoke of a cancer stick. I can certainly see where making a quick call home while in the grocery store to see if you milk or bread would be appropriate.

I have a problem with the morons who do it while driving.

There is almost no reason why your car should be moving and you on your cell phone. Are you lost? Pull over to make that call asking for directions. Are you late? Here's a novel concept, leave for your destination earlier. Reporting a crime or road hazard gets you a free pass, but let's be honest here, most people can count the number of times they've done that on one hand and have a substantial number of fingers left over.

For the record, ordering Chinese food or pizza does not generally constitute an emergency.

Now I know what you're thinking--"I can drive safely and talk on the phone." No, no you can't. Countless number of times Fiona and I have been driving along on the highway and come up on a car in the slow lane doing 45mph in a 65mph zone, the car weaving about in its lane. Drunk driving? No, it's a moron on a cell phone. And as if talking on the cell phone wasn't a distraction enough on its own, you've decided to drive 20mph below the speed limit in the lane folks use to get on and off the highway.

At least you had enough sense to put the coffee down and steer with your other hand. Or were you just putting it down to grab the doughnut?

And speaking of putting the phone down, how about these mental midgets that continue on with their phone conversations while they interact with folks right in front of them? Now that you've wandered into the store with the phone welded to your head to grab your sandwich, bag of chips, and 55 gallon drum of diet soda, do you think you could spare 15 seconds of your valuable time to actually interact with the clerk right in front of you instead of grumbling that you want a pack of Marlboro's and shoving a $20 bill in their direction?

A few weeks ago Fiona and I went out to breakfast (not a huge shock for those that know us). We went to Bickford's in Auburn, and as we're regulars the routine there is pretty well set--we sit in a very large booth and as the waitresses have a few moments they come over and sit and catch up on things from the last time we saw them.

As we were sitting, waiting for our order they sat a man a table or so away. His cell phone never left his ear the entire time he was there. Based on his side of the conversation, which could clearly be heard as he all but yelled into his phone, there wasn't anything that couldn't have waited 20 minutes while he ordered and ate.

I won't get into the stupidity of his breakfast order other than to say that if you're so worried about the amount of fat in the bacon that you order it burnt perhaps going to out to breakfast isn't really the correct option for you.

So while we're on the subject of cell phones, how about we mention those ear pieces folks wear that make them look like Uhura from Star Trek? Or maybe more correctly, make them look like flippin' idiots? With them you now have all the other cell phone problems, with the additional stupidity of not knowing if the moron on the phone is actually speaking to you or not.

For full disclosure, I do own a cell phone. I rarely use it. I use it so infrequently my voice mail says "don't leave a message because I don't check for them". Many people ask why I bother to have one if I don't use it. The answer is simple...

....someday I may wish to order a pizza.

[Fiona] It's Always Something

One morning just recently I found myself perched precariously close to the floor in my bedroom. Mind you, I was sitting on my bed at the time, when I was suddenly and quite unexpectedly rocked forward by a loud crack and an awful shudder. To my disgust and horror our bed had expired. I say expire because it had been suffering horribly of late and Shrek and I knew it would only be a matter of time 'til the old gal just wouldn't have it any more and just...

In the famous words of Gilda Radner, "It's always something." After Shrek came and rescued me from the mass that once stood as our bed we had the "talk". The talk of unbelieveability is what I call it. "Can you believe this?" "Why today?" "This is just unbelieveable!" Imagine if the bed could talk. She would say something along the lines of,"Yes, believe it. I have been waiting for over two years to retire. I gave you ample warning of my intentions; I was ignored by both of you equally. Well, now I am beyond tired so I am done!" She gave out one last cry and was no more.

Now the only problem that remained was getting a new bed. To the ordinary human this would be a no-brainer but not for the Shrek and I, we simply had no idea. How sad is it to be mattress illiterate? I did the only thing a gal can do in this situation, I turned to the internet. Someone really should run a "how to" site for stuff that nobody knows how to. You know like how to buy a good quality mattress without getting ripped off and things of that nature that most people have NO CLUE about. I read everything I could find on the internet and was no more confident with the new info I possessed.

Shrek and I have been left to our own devices. What to do? Is it just me or does everyone have to face the fact that the tax return that they've waited all year for seems to get spent even before you get it in the mail? Damn...

[Fiona] A Conversation With My Cat

First let me say that I LOVE Saturday mornings. I sleep in. Cartoons are on and I find myself in a light-hearted mood brought on by memories of childhood and cartoons and scrambled eggs.

I awoke this morning to a room filled with the warm rays of the sun filtering through my curtains and my cat talking. Yes, I said talking, not to me but to the birds. "Meep, brrmeow, grrmeep, brrmeow".

I stretched out the night kinks in my muscles and reached down along side the bed to give the cat a pat on the head. "Brrmeow,meep,mee,mee,brrmeow?"

Silly cat, do you really think the birds are going to sympathize with you and calmy fly into your mouth?

Every morning it's the same routine. Cat wants the flying mysteries outside my window, cat is disappointed. Proves the old saying: Hope Springs Eternal. I must say the cat never seems to let down. Afterall, there's always tomorrow, right?

I talk to the cat in soothing tones and promise her some snackies. We toddle off to the kitchen together. I set the coffee pot up and give out the promised treats. Later as I pour yet another life renewing cup of rich, dark coffee I can hear the cat off in the distance talking to the birds..."Brrrmeow, meep?"

Who knows, maybe they are friends just catching up on yesterdays news.

[Fiona] Hello It's Me

Hubby[Shrek] broached the idea of doing a dual-based blog and I sort of grunted at the idea. Most times I am not interested in the thoughts that cloud my head so imagine my surprise that somehow someone out there might find what I say interesting. Being the person I am I will give anything a try once. So here goes:

Hello, It's Me.

The name Fiona has always set in my imagination images of a European porn star. I don't know why but when I think Fiona I think exotic and kinky. While I can be both exotic and kinky let me say for the record that I am neither European nor a porn star. I am just a slightly crazy wifey in her 40's who struggles with the everyday just trying to find a little spot of happiness.

[Shrek] The beginning

A couple days ago I mentioned to my wife [Fiona] that it would be fun if we were to set up a blog where we would both be able to post about things we were thinking about, or stuff that interests us...stuff like that. Now I know that separately we both have enough to say to have our own blogs, but where's the fun in having two different blogs? Plus as an added benefit if one of us gets lazy there will still be some updates. And anyone that knows who we are knows it's going to happen.

As if this needs an explanation, posts titles that starts with [Shrek] are mine, and those that start with [Fiona] are my wife's. On occasion you'll see both, meaning we wrote it together.

To make it perfectly clear, there isn't any shred of truth to the rumor Fiona and I started this blog in response to our friend Josie Brown calling us "a pair of our Sharks-going buddies" and not giving us cool nicknames in her 2/28 post on her blog on the T&G's site (The Night Fantastic, linked in the menu on the right). I realize the rumor hasn't been started yet, but when we're all famous and have our own Wikipedia entries it will rear its ugly head, so I thought I'd nip it in the bud right now.

If you haven't figured it out by now, neither Fiona nor I will be taking this too seriously. There will be lots of sarcasm, lots of humor--or maybe more correctly--attempts at humor, and the occasional rant about topics, both Worcester related and national, that raise our ire.

Let the games begin.