[Shrek] Help Me Save a Friend

This was not the topic I intended to write about today, but something has been brought to my attention that requires I immediately speak out in an attempt to help a friend through his personal crisis.

The first thing is making him realize that there is an issue, but this issue is so personal that I don't want to publicly identify him. I will refer to him as "The Man". I do so because he is referred to that by another friend in her blog, which was where I read that "The Man" was in trouble.

To help others help "The Man", I'll link to the blog entry that contains the startling observations about his problem.

The Night Fantastic: Via Italian Table

Now for those that didn't see where his problem was, I shall quote the relevant part.

The Man opted for the Italian Ice (which in and of itself nearly made me fall of my chair...no beer? What hath God wrought?) which is a mix of Hangar One lime vodka, limoncello, and sorbetto...

He drank a mixed drink with a cutesy name. The horror! This cutesy concoction contained lime vodka and sorbetto. And he drank this in public!!!!

If that is not a cry for help then I don't know what one is. Even Josie notices something is amiss.

That alone is not the issue. After all, trying out a new drink is generally acceptable, even if that drink may be "cutesy". And despite it containing fruit it did contain alcohol, so he does have that going for him. Had he just had the drink it could be easily explainable as just "trying something new"

But it went further. Much further.

I refer you again to the blog entry...

The Man ordered the Ragu of Italian Meats, because for The Man, being a carnivore isn't a food preference, it's a way of life and a fundamental principal. Via delivered big time here, serving up a huge helping of pasta topped with sauce and pork, a ginormous meatball, beef, chicken and sausage. I am deeply impressed with Via, since The Man...couldn't even finish it all!

"Couldn't even finish it all"?

Couldn't. Even. Finish. It. All.

He orders a cutesy drink, and then can't finish his meal? That confirms it, that is definitely a cry for help. "The Man" needs our help folks, and we must do everything in our power to help him through this personal struggle.

If you see "The Man" you should immediately drive him to the nearest Gentleman's club. Pay the cover charge for him. If the Gentlemen's club is out, take him to the nearest sporting event. As a last resort just bring him to a bar and buy him a beer. He's partial to Budweiser in those new aluminum bottles, so you may need to bring your debit card with you.

It is our personal duty to help friends in need, so we all must do what we can to help get "The Man" back on track no matter what it takes. He would do the same for us, so we should do no less for him.

Don't worry "The Man"--help is on its way.

[Shrek] Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I was watching some TV last night, and 1 vs 100 is on.

The question was "how many 6 packs would you need if you had 99 bottles of beer on the wall"

Possible answers:

A] More than 15
B] Exactly 15
C] Less than 15

The contestant, a blond woman, said she needed help because....









...she doesn't drink beer.

Oh, no. It get's better.

They go through whatever game mechanic they use and she gets advice from some guy that looks like he knows a little about drinking beer, and he uses some of the worst math imaginable to get to the answer being "more than 15".

She answers "A", which is correct.

They eliminate the several people that got it wrong, including a Maxim model. Bob Saget asks her how she got it wrong and she replied....



....you guessed it....





"I drink wine"

Now I know why Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip got canceled.

[Shrek] Step Away From The Computer

As if it shouldn't have occurred to me before, I have come to the conclusion that the internet is full of stupid people. It matters not if they are actually that way or just chose to act like they have no brain, the end result is pretty much the same. Stupidity.

So I have devised a "true/false" test that everyone should have to pass before they are allowed to use the internet. Failure to pass the test would result in you being banned from using the internet until such time as you have gained enough intelligence to use and communicate with others on it.

Statement #1: I believe everything I read is true. If you answered "true" to this, you fail the test before going any further. The internet is chock full of stuff that isn't even remotely close to being true. So if you are so feeble minded to think that just because it's in print it must be true, I suggest you stick to coloring books.

Statement #2: Big companies will send me lots of free stuff for sending chain letters to everyone on my contact list. If you answered "true" to this, please remove me from your contact list. There is absolutely no chance that any company will send you anything for forwarding e-mails to your friends. This also goes for those e-mails that ask you to add your name to the list in protest of something and them forward to your friends. How exactly do you think that "protest" e-mail will get to the people you want to complain to?

Statement #3: I feel the need to respond to any forum post that even remotely disagrees with my point of view. If you answered "true" to this, you may be too far gone to be worth further testing. And going one step further, if you can't identify a moron by what s/he posts on a message board then you're no better than that idiot you're replying to.

Statement #4: I can tell just by looking who I can give my personal information to over the internet. If you answered "true" to this, you should save everyone the time and trouble and just take a cash advance on all you credit cards, empty your savings accounts, and give the money to the first stranger you see on the street. You should mortgage your house while you're at it too, no sense in not going all the way.

Statement #5: I reply to every spam e-mail so they won't send me more. If you answered "true" to this, you really are stupid. By replying you just confirmed someone is reading their e-mail, resulting in you getting more spam. Oh, you mean there's an "unsubscribe" link you clicked on? Congratulations, you just guaranteed you'll be "subscribed" to even more mailing lists.

Statement #6: I download everything that is sent to me in my e-mail or I love to add all those free screensavers to my computer. If you answered "true" to either of these, just throw your computer away right now. It going to become a paperweight soon and there's no reason to wait any longer before tossing it away.

OK, so to find out of you passed, add up all the "true" answers you have.

If you answered "true" even once, you fail.